TEXT BY MAX FRIEDLICH, '17
IMAGES BY BENJAMIN HICKS, '18
SIX THINGS I DECIDED NOT TO TWEET:
Saying you like babies is ridiculous because some babies are dicks. Same goes for dogs.
Is there some sort of support group for dudes who can only grow blond facial hair? Asking for a friend.
Wes Anderson, Nas, the movie Kids, and mustaches are all examples of things that I question if people really like as much as they claim.
Any sport where you can smoke cigarettes and still be good isn’t a real sport. Curling is out. Golf is a maybe. Slam poetry is definitely out.
Most fried cheese is better than a lot of oral sex.
All my friends learned everything they know about sex from porn. Not me though. I’m a nice guy.
5 THINGS I DECIDED NOT TO WRITE ON MY EX GIRLFRIEND'S WALL:
I’m still in love with your mother. To me this epitomizes the phrase “sorry not sorry.”
In 9th grade, I told you your braces humanized you. Back then I thought you were perfect and now I realize your self-doubt humanized you and your braces just made my lips hurt.
I may be a cucumber but you cannot pickle me and leave me in a jar on the shelf for when you are ready to lay me next to your sandwich .
Your feelings are like a toddler crying at the dinner table. Like I completely get that it’s not like…you crying but you birthed, you feed them and keep them breathing, so who else should I blame?
I still feel like I can tell you anything.
4 THINGS I DECIDED NOT TO TEXT MY BEST FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL:
Interesting that you complain that all of the gay kids at our high school were quote “in your face with their sexualities” when you are sitting in a basement watching football, farting, talking about our teachers breasts and vaginas, and periodically getting up to wrestle.
Sometimes I feel like I smoke weed around you because it gives me an excuse not to talk.
I’m sorry that this poem makes it sound like I don’t go to home to that basement every school break.
You guys are my brothers in that I don’t have to think about why I love you
3 THINGS I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF REALIZE:
I never say you without talking about me
Knowing someone is just learning more reasons you could hate them. Dating someone is a promise made between eyeballs to hate each other at some point soon.
My friends are droplets of white cum on black sheets. They wear hand me down boy costumes
2 PEOPLE I TRUST:
Other dudes named Max
WHAT I DECIDED NOT TO TELL HER LAST NIGHT:
I’ve slept over four nights in a row and it terrifies me that that doesn’t scare me. Your spine hangs off you like route 1 tracing it’s finger along the coast of California. I actually think I could sum you up using emojis and I think that’s a good thing.
WHAT I DECIDED NOT TO TELL MY MOM WHEN SHE ASKED ME TO COME TO THE HOSPITAL IN PHILADELPHIA:
I have nothing to say to Grandma and you and I will fight less once she is gone. Grandma is like a friend from high school in that sometimes I have to think about why I love her.
WHAT I DECIDED NOT TO TELL THE JAPANESE WOMAN WHO CUTS MY HAIR:
You’re the only person who gives me exactly what I want consistently and that doesn’t make us friends because friendships can go sour. We’re more than that
WHAT I DECIDED NOT TO TELL MYSELF FRESHMAN YEAR:
I can feel myself trying. I’m trying really really hard. I only started writing poetry so people would like me.