WORDS & IMAGES: ISAAC GOTTERER '19
Everyone knows that Instagram created their diverse set of filters with middle school trends in mind. From obsessive Ke$ha listening to Nike SB wearing, Instagram tracks down these early-pubescent middle schoolers and matches their quickly changing interests with a filter.
It’s important to note this correspondence because of the truth it brings. Filters present more to life than just a “different look.” They tell a story, a story of the past, future and present. And especially they relive the story of a 13-year-old venturing into different social fads.
Follow the journey. The journey of truth.
Walden’s pale look is toxic. It creates a disgusting yellow glare that will ruin any selfie. It might make your hamster’s tan coat shine brighter, but that’s only if you have a hamster. No other animals--only hamsters.
Walden parallels the trend of overusing Axe Body Spray. This is a trend that all middle school boys go through. At first it’s a little bit bearable, but then the boys discover dark chocolate scented Axe; then we have a problem. “Dark Temptations” smells like spray paint mixed with cat vomit whilst someone is literally choking you to death. It is poison to the world, but regardless of the toxic smell, all the middle school boys had at least a three-month period of overusing this horrid spray. These boys really thought it would “liven” up the room. And it did in some weird, tween boy way.
Walden represents this unneeded, but very relevant, middle school trend. Thanks Instagram.
Hefe has a darkness to it. If your picture is too bright Hefe will surely darken it for you. But we already have two other filters to do that (Lo-Fi & X Pro II). So why, Hefe, do we need you? The short answer is: we don’t. Just like we didn’t need seventh graders running around wearing shorts all the time even during the winter. I don’t know how this trend started because it’s just flat out unhealthy. If it’s below 40 degrees, pants are essential for growing-boy health. This trend could have started because of the stereotypical teen “F-the system” ideology or could have started because of some wistful young boys want for spring, so they can get back on the baseball field and play some ball! Whatever it is, this constant short-wearing decision isn’t a good one. This is a dark time in every tween boy’s life and that’s why Hefe’s dark overtones depict the sad and sort of scary trend of constant short wearing.
3. Early Bird:
You know what they say: Early Bird gets the laced camisole with colored skinny jeans. Yup, that’s right Early Bird’s bronze glow is one of the most popular filters, which is why it directly links to the trend of lace camisole, colored skinny jeans and colored converses. Early Bird looks good in the moment, maybe making your “nature pic” look sharper, but is it better than no filter at all? No. It’s essentially the same concept with colored skinny jeans & converses and laced camisole. Your seventh grade self thought it made you look better in the moment but in reality a tank-top and regular jeans would have definitely looked better.
On top of that, some people even edit a picture on a different App then upload it to Instagram and still use the Early Bird filter. Just like you put a pink lace camisole on and put another shirt over it just so people could see the lace at the bottom, which your teacher thought were your underwear. It’s just too much! One alone is already a fashion statement, two is just unnecessary.
4. X Pro II: Picnic editing pictures & photo booth pictures.
Wow that pop-art effect looks really good! You’re basically Andy Warhol.
5. Toaster: Fitted flat brimmed hats with either superhero logos or sports teams.
Does it look better backwards?
6. Nashville: Side bangs you cut yourself and across the forehead bangs.
WHY? JUST DON’T, PLEASE DON’T.
7. Willow: Asking out/breaking up over text (mostly via flip-phone).
Saying no to someone when they ask you out over text, but then realize nothing will probably get better, so you text them the day after saying, “Oh, that was my friend. Sure I’ll go out with you.”
8. Brennan: Overly excessive wearing of rubber bracelets.
One penguin-shaped Silly Band is enough Sally. I can’t even see your arm anymore!
9. Hudson: Tech-Decks--including kit to customize it.
Your teacher would always take them away until the end of the school day. And you would let your friends borrow them and they would somehow lose it almost immediately. In turn, you would make them pay you back in little packets of Cheesy Ritz Bits form their lunch for a month.