ARIES (March 21st -April 19th): Mars has been after Venus for a hot second which means you better be on bae watch for the beginning of September. If you’re a single Aries, make it a point to be scheming. Venus will be scheming on Uranus and Aries on September 22nd so the club will definitely be going up on this Tuesday ;). Also, if you’re trying to change your look, make sure to do it after September 6th because aint nobody got time for a busted up-do.

Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Taurus, we know shit has been going down in the relationship sector for you for the past two years, but feel better because Jupiter’s got your back from now until September 2016. Don’t let hir down. There’s going to be an eclipse at the end of the month, so if there’s something that’s been making you feel less than #blessed, now is your time to work that shit out.

Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Mid-September Mercury is chillin’ in Libra, so then would be a good time to reconcile with your ex boo. Not saying you’re gonna smang immediately, but try hitting them up to see if you can grab coffee at Pi. One of your friends is gonna dip soon. Maybe they’re transferring, starting a thesis, or just moved to BuHo. DW tho, you will find ways to stay in touch. Try sliding into their DM’s on Instagram. Take time to get off campus and wash the pain away at Miller’s pond.

Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): It seems like the universe has been cockblocking you from enjoying love and your relationships, but that block has been lifted. Saturn was just trolling you and trying to teach you a life lesson, but is ready to back tf off. Mercury is going into retrograde September 17th to October 9th so it is NOT a good time to buy electronics. Wait a while before buying that vibrating cock ring. Tru love waits, tru love is patient.

Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): At the beginning of the month literally everyone is going to be #thirsty for you, Leo. You are absolutely irresistible! Make sure to circulate around campus. Your true love could be anywhere–even in the line for grilled cheese. In other news, your venmo balance is bout to be off the charts! You gonna be rich af. Don’t blow it. Mars is going to be in your house which means you’re gonna feel confident and sexy this month– others will notice and start crushing HARD. Speak up in that seminar! Ask for extra rochester sauce at WesWings! Let em know.

Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Being a Virgo rn is lit tbh. You are about to experience a rare "golden vibration” that you haven’t seen for 12 years. Be careful of being sus because you WILL get caught and your shit will be put on blast. Don’t waste the golden vibration because it’s your chance to meet or be wifey. Towards the end of the month, you will discover your inner #bossbitch so make sure to have your shit on lock before then because people in charge are going to be looking out for you. Stay woke.

Libra (September 23rd-October 22nd) Libra, one of your homies is successfully going to set you up with someone. On September 22nd, Venus and Uranus are gonna get it on which means you will too. If someone’s been shady or sending you mixed signals, things should calm down in the weeks following. Don’t sign any important documents between September 17th and October 9th, handle all your shit early in the month.

Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Scorpios all around are gonna be feeling themselves this month. Everyone wants to be you. Everything is on fleek. Who gon stop you, huh? You have been spending the majority of your time making your LinkedIn page fresh af but where is the love?! This month especially there will be time for lovers + friends so make sure to make your rounds around Usdan every chance you get. If you have a new flame, stay low-key. Don’t blow up their inbox.

Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): My dear Sagittarius, ya girl Venus has been in retrograde since the end of July, but she’s finna turn direct September 6. TF does that mean you might ask?! It means that everything is 2 gud 2 b tru! If you’re ridin’ solo, that person you thought wouldn’t swipe right on you will. And yes, those initials on YikYak belong to YOU. Take a tip from “Love in the Wild” and look for bae where you’d least expect hir. You might even find bae in a far away land. No, Art House isn’t far enough. Yes, Metro is.

Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): The solar eclipse September 12-13 will open up more opportunities for you to meet new people. You know how even tho seats aren’t assigned people STILL sit in the same seat every class?! BREAK THAT CYCLE, CAPRICORN and fucking sit somewhere else and make a new friend. Hell, sit on a different side of Usdan! Be brave, be bold. It will pay off. And don’t sign anything important while Mercury is in retrograde between September 17 until October 9. Use this time to go back and check on things that are already “done”. I suggest actually rereading an essay before submitting it ;)

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Mercury is the HBIC of your love sector, and she’s moonwalking out of there until October 9. While she’s pced out, don’t start anything new, but now would be a good time to re-scheme on a past love of yours. September 22nd should be a v romantic day, so try hitting them up around them. This day is gonna ***~::sparkle::~*** and expect the unexpected. While this ish goes down, you are gonna gravitate towards your more social areas! Aquarius, I know you have mad respect for your homies / acquaintances / people you met on Fountain that one time. On September 17 you will prioritize them for the next two years. Proud of you bb.

Pisces (February 19th -March 20th): Imma let you finish, but Pisces has one of the best months of ALL TIME. Yeah, I said it. Pisces you are straight [fire emoji] rn. 1) You are gonna dive right in to a series of projects that will allow for you to show off your skillz 2) Your cash $$$ is flowin’ in heavvvvy please make it rain on top of the Usdan staircase ty 3) Pluto is bout to connect you to a friend who can set you up with a new opportunity 4) the eclipse at the end of the month is going to see that you get funding/financial support for a big project. That’s FOUR for you Glen Coco. You go, Glen Coco!

Stay woke and stay tuned for October’s readings.