WORDS & IMAGE: ROXANNA PELL '15
The first time I bought weed, I was a sophomore in high school. The guy's name was Jerry Garcia1, a freshman. Because students at our school were only capable of conversation in large groups, my only hope of contact was to weasel my way into a thicket of unsuspecting peers, in much the same way as I try to talk to people here at Wesleyan.
"Hey! Are you selling pot?" I whispered, "Can I buy pot from you?"
I could. The next day, I heard Jerry yell my name from across the hall between classes. He charged toward me, shoved an emptied water bottle into my hands, and got his money. I put the intricately packaged eighth in my locker and spent the rest of the day panicking.
I haven't gotten any cooler since then. While I smoke an average amount these days, I still act like an idiot every time I'm looking to buy. Normally I'd be straightforward about asking someone for something, but the sale of a still-illegal product calls for a certain level of discretion, at least according to the ACB. In a thread titled "When you text a drug dealer," an enraged OP writes, "you never EVER say 'Hey _____, can I buy some _______ from you?' Honestly are we in fucking middle school?"
So not chill. OP goes on to suggest some alternatives, including "Hey could I stop by?" and "Hey could you meet me today?" Solid options, except that if I text a stranger asking to "stop by," they could get all kinds of ideas. Another route would be to choose from the growing list of euphemisms for marijuana to get my point across without incriminating anyone, but something about a text exchange involving the phrase "stroke Jupiter's lengthy beard" leaves everyone feeling uneasy.
Forever straddling the territory between making no sense and sounding like a wang, I decided to crowdsource2 the Wesleyan community for ideas. Of the responses to my survey asking students what they text people when buying weed, variations of "Can I cop?" and "Can I pick up?" were by far the most common. Some respondents took a lengthier route; one answered that they text " Heard of anyone who has gone into the coffee business lately? You feel me?" For others, a simple "Nug" will do.
One particularly savvy businessperson offered a blowjob in exchange for some free chronic. Another suggested I buy weed for them, which probably isn't going to happen. A third mysterious student answered "hi it's 'Max fr1edlich' ;)))))))))," which could mean anything.
While some buyers in the market for that good opted to use a euphemism, most responses made no mention whatsoever of drugs, or anything at all for that matter ("You up?"). Some used measurements in place of references to the product ("How much for an ounce?"). If we consider the word "weed" as a legitimate term rather than as a euphemism due to its recent mainstream prominence, only a few doob-hunters directly mentioned the drug. Overall, the creativity of slang was disappointing, with the following terms represented:
Weak. I've further organized the results of the survey into an oversimplified pie chart (below) for your convenience.
I'll admit I was hoping for a Giante Joynte write-in. Until then, if I text you "hi it's 'Max fr1edlich' ;)))))))))," you'll know what I mean.
1Name has been changed, but you can go on believing it was actually Jerry Garcia if you want to. I won't tell.
2By posting a survey on every WesAdmits group on Facebook. See also: "anyone wanna split a cab to bradley" and "heyyy lost my wesID on pine last nite i will LITERALLY MARRY you if you find it!!"